(Hours 161 & 162)

It's ridiculous numbers now and it's still counting. But finally it's all coming to pieces again or at least for today. I forgot my happy pills today but things seem to have worked out well without them. The final day to pull out is tomorrow, but it's a 3v1 battle so I guess I'm doing it.

(Hours 159 & 160)

There's a time when it's gone too long and there's a time when you can't be strong. I'm talking like Meredith Grey and it's a sign I'm watching too much Grey's Anatomy. It's been 2 weeks and I'm almost on Season 4, but that's besides the point. Could it possibly be right what my McDreamy is trying to tell me? You see this is why I wanted it fast. Fast kills my pain. Nosey parkers reading this are gonna think what the F am I talking about but this is the only way I can lay my thoughts in my own understanding, since now even your close ones don't understand you or support you in the matter you do.

There is a time when a warrior becomes tired and when a wound becomes too deep, he has no more strength to fight. And if he does continue, the wound will be harder to heal.

Just want to mention to the girl flashing her Green P at the GT junction, you're a bitch!

(Hours 158 & 159)

It was raining and I hate driving in rain. I requested to do a lot more roundabouts today because lesson I was extremely hesitant on them... so this was what we started off with. One of the roundabouts had roadworks on and temporary lights were used to direct traffic. It was weird coming back on this roundabout because I had to drive it in reverse... so rather than going clockwise I had to go anti, bit strange I felt, but it was manageable and fresh.

(Hours 156 & 157)

It was a local drive today and it was something different and it was almost certainly a booster for the confidence. I had a long windy road, sloping down a road which eventually led to a hill. I didn't make any mistakes on that except for a gear change... locating the wrong one.

(Hours 155 & 156)

I'm getting bored of this game. I can't stop making bloody mistakes and the more I'm doing this, the more I'm forgetting. I don't know what's so difficult and in this stage of the game I should know it all back to front. I have a feeling the answer's going to be negative but for sure I've decided this is going to be the last attempt. I say this all the time. I don't know how long I would survive with this decision but I can say that this has definitely been my decision for half a month. I'm losing interest in obtaining my pink card and I notice my repulse towards lessons. With this attitude, it tells me my decision is what it is. If I stay strong, I guess I would only have to suffer with nightmares and tears for the rest of my life.

(Hours 153 & 154)

I almost ran a teenage boy over today. I was approaching a junction and the sight was clear. I looked to my right as I was emerging left and the duals were slammed. A boy was riding a bike at some speed and when I saw him, he had his hand on his heart. He was shocked as much as I was. My instructor said it wasn't my fault, but I'm not happy because I should have noticed him and my reflexes should have responded much quicker. I told my instructor even if I did pass my test, I would never be capable alone. She then told me at one point, teenage boys of similar sort used to go out onto the test road deliberately to make someone fail - simply because you would fail if your reflexes weren't fast enough. For this instance, I would have failed today.

(Hours 152 & 153)

I'm always forgetting about little old 5th gear! I felt more at ease again now that I've introduced a certain something back in my life.. and it's definitely something I cannot drive without for this moment in time. I rolled down the narrow alley at the end of the lesson and carelessly caught a dustbin on the wing mirror. I'm such a bad driver!

(Hours 150 & 151)

I tried a different method today that only my heart knew. It didn't feel right and I know for sure I'll be switching back to before. It wasn't disastrous but it's just so hard for me to wait for another date that's such a long way away. I understand the plus points for these hours, but I just don't want it to knock off my confidence if something really bad occurs. Of course, I know small mistakes can happen, but battling with my inner fear is the only factor repelling me away from practice. How slow does time want to pass? How much longer must I suffer?