(Hours 141 & 142)

It's getting a bit weird now as the secret spreads... but still I reserve who I reveal the truth to. I don't think it's all that great carrying the weight on my shoulders, but I do it deliberately to lose pressure. Do you really think I like to go through this sh!t on my own and cry for help in the corner of my room?

Obviously things didn't work out so well on the manoeuvre side today, and I wish to brush up on it to bring my car closer to the kerb on the reverse park. I've been told today that half way through the manoeuvre, I could still adjust the left wing mirror to suit my vision. I don't ever recall being told that before, but now I know this, I can use it to help me rather than guess on the last right turn. This was what I had to do previously since I lost the kerb from the mirror half way through. After a second shot, with guidance, I managed to park up to the kerb and "a taxi wasn't needed to help me to the kerb!"

I find myself battling with my inner fear once again when my instructor told me to tell her I will pass my test this round. I could not do so. I could only tell her I will try. Yes, I understand it's the confidence I'm lacking, but with a different environment, different test centre, different examiner, things are going to be difficult.. but I ask how can anyone have confidence with a bad history? No one will ever understand what I am thinking. No matter who I tell and what I tell, no one will understand since they've never gone through the same experience.. I've had different instructors, each telling me different things, and in the end I just feel like a puppet on some strings, never capable of moving on my own.