(Hours 149 & 150)

Mistakes, mistakes, mistakes! We all make them and it's so easy to make them! I don't think I've done my best today although I've been told it wasn't that bad. I'm to the point where I don't care if it wasn't bad, I want it to be good, and I know when it can be. The thing that annoys me most is that the test must be done perfectly and after that, drivers just go out avoiding all the rules. So what's the point in a test? I bet if the people who have been driving for 10 or more years got asked to do another test, many of them wouldn't do well. But that's besides the point, what's done is done and it's been said to me time and time again. I've got to focus on what's ahead of me now and put the past behind.

Fair and square. It was funny. I remember coming off a roundabout and a certain somebody was scared! With his hands clawed to the door and nose pressed against the glass, I hope Keith enjoyed the roller coaster of a lifetime! Obviously a lorry was coming off at the same exit as me and forced me into the right lane, and by the look on his face, you'd think he was expecting a collsion or something! His feet were almost on the pedals but I was alert 'cos I checked my mirrors but nothing more simpler than a green filter light could have caught me out. I got beeped at! I enjoyed my time and I am still a warrior, I write this with a smile.

(Hours 147 & 148)

I would like to have drove better today just so it would stop me from feeling insecure. I had an extended run on the test routes since I wasn't driving back home so I requested for Linthorpe Road. This was the one with the bus lanes and I needed to switch in and out of them if they were clear since the operation times were not in use. I write here so that I remember, that an indication is not necessary for moving lanes and the examiners might try to catch me out on filter lights.. but the main 3 words of wisdom I give myself are handbrake, clutch and speed. These are the 3 I need to focus on, and if anything was to catch me out, it would almost certainly fall into one of those categories.

(Hours 146 & 147)

Time is falling quick and already we are to the end of September. We usually have fun at the end of the lesson going through the small alleyway... I noticed it was a trick my instructor got me to do so she could get out the street easier! It wasn't quite as expected today when a huge van blocked the alley and a black car further behind it caused a double blockage! Unfortunately I had to do the turn in a road to get the car facing the right way for my instructor! However, I'm not moaning though 'cos it's good practice! ...HA! I actually hate it!

(Hours 144 & 145)

A lesson full of overtaking! I've done it before but only the odd once or twice. I like to be the quiet driver that just sits behind the maintence vehicles and tractors all day, but the queue of traffic would be a huge problem. My first overtaking mission was to overtake a maintenance vehicle on a dual carriageway. We followed it quite a long way, but with bends in the road, it wasn't quite so safe to overtake. When I finally had the chance, it decided to turn left and exit the carriageway! I thought I was lucky, but my instructor insisted on finding me something to overtake after she saw my hesitance yesterday. Eventually, we went up and down the carriageway and in no time I was overtaking most obstacles blocking my track. It was a good exercise to build confidence but I'd still like to do more just so I'm comfortable doing it alone.

It's a lot to take in just to prepare me for this test, as the routes are new and the lanes leading to roundabouts are different. It's not 3 lanes anymore, but instead there's 2 with second exits on the left, which is also different to straight on. I've got to mention that's the hardest bit to grasp in all of the driving I've done!

(Hours 143 & 144)

I was on the verge of quitting yesterday but the night saved me. Today's lesson went promising again and it just seemed that yesterday was just another bad day... Every driver has their bad days, but I can't really afford to have a bad day on the day of the test. I think I would corrupt completely, but I promised myself this would be the last attempt I would ever try at this. I'd rather lose the licence than to put my body through anymore stress.. I've done so many naughty things just to help me get this licence and now I'm at the end. I'm running out of ideas, and if I don't get the licence this time, the examiners are obviously telling me something... switch to biking?

(Hours 141 & 142)

It's getting a bit weird now as the secret spreads... but still I reserve who I reveal the truth to. I don't think it's all that great carrying the weight on my shoulders, but I do it deliberately to lose pressure. Do you really think I like to go through this sh!t on my own and cry for help in the corner of my room?

Obviously things didn't work out so well on the manoeuvre side today, and I wish to brush up on it to bring my car closer to the kerb on the reverse park. I've been told today that half way through the manoeuvre, I could still adjust the left wing mirror to suit my vision. I don't ever recall being told that before, but now I know this, I can use it to help me rather than guess on the last right turn. This was what I had to do previously since I lost the kerb from the mirror half way through. After a second shot, with guidance, I managed to park up to the kerb and "a taxi wasn't needed to help me to the kerb!"

I find myself battling with my inner fear once again when my instructor told me to tell her I will pass my test this round. I could not do so. I could only tell her I will try. Yes, I understand it's the confidence I'm lacking, but with a different environment, different test centre, different examiner, things are going to be difficult.. but I ask how can anyone have confidence with a bad history? No one will ever understand what I am thinking. No matter who I tell and what I tell, no one will understand since they've never gone through the same experience.. I've had different instructors, each telling me different things, and in the end I just feel like a puppet on some strings, never capable of moving on my own.

(Hours 140 & 141)

I think I've got the ability to drive well but I just don't know it. I doubt myself too much. I've drove around most of the test routes now and I know what rules apply to which roads. Of course, I've still got to watch out for my speed as I constantly drive over the speed limit. I'm noticing it really quickly now though since I can't take my eyes off the speedo, but it doesn't give me justice, I'll never know what the examiner might think. I once said, "I wonder if I would still be speeding in a mini?" With the speedo meter taking up 90% of the dashboard I would think it's highly impossible!