(Hours 138 & 139)

The confidence is coming back with the sunshine! I had a good comfortable drive today, and things that went wrong in the last lesson amazingly corrected itself today. It must have just been a 'sudden bad drive'. As my friend once said, confidence is the name of the game, and indeed it is.. my confidence is slowly coming back to me now, and I'm finding that I'm becoming less hesitant at roundabouts... my junctions are still a bit dodgy and I could simply sit and wait at them for days!

One thing I do really want to brush up before my test are the hill starts and hand brake.... this was the serious error that caught me out last time. I've been sitting with my foot brake on and handbrake off... so getting up that little hill and finding my bite after a red light is such a struggle! Obviously, from last time I've learnt that the handbrake should be on, but my mind is never registering this when I come to an inclined junction. It was never an issue to me before, but an important rule my instructor taught me today was misleading signals, with the main one being brake lights! If I sit constantly with my foot brake on, the people behind me are thinking I'm never going to set off, and with the foot brake on, I'll never be able to find my bite and get up that hill!!!!

I was speaking to a friend yesterday about everything.. it's great to have a second opinion when you're whirled up with your own thoughts. She first told me a line, which I admired from a glance.. It read "it's only a lesson, don't be so downhearted". I instantly replied "it's hard not to be when you've had so many bad attempts already". She assured me once again that if Blank A and Blank B could pass, I certainly could.. all I need is faith and if I don't have it, I will definitely fail. This I've been told many times before, but not counting percentage, I always believe I can make it, otherwise I wouldn't put in for the test time and time again...

I've spent most of my afternoon looking at how conjoined twins live their lives, through sun and through storm... and think how I can let something considered so minor in my life, affect me. I hope by seeing the difficulties these twins experience will always remind me of how fortunate I am, and that they will offer me hope just as I'm about to give up... not only for driving, but for the rest of the difficult situations I'll experience in life.

(Hours 137 & 138)

Today was terrible.. The one word sums up my one and a half hour lesson. It was raining from start to finish and I was left hesistant approaching junctions and joining roundabouts. Thanks to Gary Dodd, I think I'm scarred for life from driving. I don't think I can ever stand back up on my feet and fight this losing battle. I am hurt, but what do I do? Continue fighting or admit defeat??? I'm not the kind of quitter but I'm corrupting, physically and mentally.

Apart from Gary Dodd, another thing that is constantly haunting me is BSM... it haunts me at day, and haunts me at night. I see them while I drive, and I see them in my sleep... I'm at the stage where I'm about to go crazy and I can't take this SH!T no more. A passerby reading this will never know my inside story, as with everyone else.. and will automatically ask "then why carry on?" I can only write here to let them know "because it'll only put me in a lot more pain if I don't do anything about it".

The lyrics.....

I ain't got no more tears to cry
And I can't take this no more
You know I gotta let it go

....currently expresses what I'm feeling.

(Hours 135 & 136)

I didn't sleep very well last night with driving being the main topic constantly on my mind. It's not something I wish for and I feel the pressure kicking in once again... However, my performance today was promising and I didn't feel as nervous as yesterday. It's just my first day on the test routes, and I still have a few hours left to master the biting point of this car. It has a relatively low bite compared to all the other cars I've had, with the difference being petrol and diesel. I'm running on a petrol now and I can't hear the engine as well as I could with a diesel. I'm glad to know that the examiners here are human and nice and won't fail you for every minor detail.

(Hours 134 & 135)

I'm back on the road again, at an old familiar place, with a new instructor and new driving school. It's goodbye BSM since I can't pass with them, and as K says, they only want me to 'Bring Some Money'. I'm trying female instructors for a change and I started bringing half hours into the routine.. so it's an hour and a half each session just to give me enough time to try the test routes without being too tired.

Test routes were not part of the drive today as K wanted to see what my driving was like before I set off to the busy roads at rush hour.. so in order to progress to the test routes, I had to pass her 'personal' test.. luckily at the end of the lesson she said she can take me on them tomorrow, and as a new instructor, she can see clearly that my past attempts at the test have knocked my confidence.. She said my driving was good, but inside I do not feel this anymore. I hope having a female instructor will help me relax more while I drive and give me a burst of encouragement.

I'm here with bluetooth!! A bit slow for connection but it does actually work...! Airport MUST be turned off otherwise the browser tries to locate the wireless!!! Such amazing things you can do with technology! Bluetooth works wonders! :)

So it is true... Finally, after many many months, I have found out how to surf the Internet on a computer from the WAP of my mobile phone! I thought it was impossible at first when my friend told me this a while back, and most experts I asked didn't know how either.. but now I recall her mentioning the word bluetooth.

I revamped my mac last week and the hard drive was wiped, so all my details had to be restored, including the bluetooth set up between my mac and phone. I relinked them today, and to my surprise, an option stating 'Access your phone as a modem' was available! I didn't know what this meant, but I knew a modem was some sort of instrument linking me to the net.. I picked it after the devices were paired, and voila... I was connected to the Internet on my computer through my mobile phone line!

So it is true.. it works.. and I write it here incase I need it again in the future!!