(Hours 123 & 124)

Finally everything's falling back into place again and the horrid feeling of fear at the start of every lesson seems to be paying off. I had an 'abnormal' car today due to bad steering correspondence that arose from a bump by somebody else on Tuesday. I felt clumsy driving the car at first as more steer was required just to get it to where I wanted it to go, but as time passed, I soon got the hang of it and it felt just like normal.

I'm slowly increasing my hope for this next test and I'm eventually letting go of all the past mistakes and previous attempts. It's helping a great deal and I didn't think it was ever possible for me to put the past down, but as my friend told me a few weeks ago, I will only pass if I believe... so now I'm beginning to believe, my performance is actually getting better and my instructor feels that less serious faults are being made and the drive is definitely much more relaxed. As they say 'seeing is believing', so now I see it, I feel I can believe and my instructor says, it's hard enough to pass even when you believe, but it makes it twice as hard when you don't.. so from these comments, it tells me only one thing - to tackle the test with a heart full of hope and belief.

(Hours 121 & 122)

It's been quite different today, for it has been one of many times that I have not gone out holding my heart. I don't know what was different about today, but I felt relaxed and I stayed calm throughout the drive. It obviously helped towards my performance, but it all went downhill in the last 5 minutes because a certain feeling hit home. I must say that this feeling has only grown on me after the reoccuring failed tests, so I must forget about the past in order to find the feeling a new home.

(Hours 119 & 120)

While driving today I suddenly thought of a solution to help me overcome my fears... to make use of the car machines in the arcades and not the bike ones I usually go on! I've been told before just to treat driving as if I was playing a game, but like most things in life, it's easier said than done. One of the major disadvantages I have is my reaction time.. my mind registers information at a slower pace than what is required by a normal driver and this is one of the things that are stopping me from progressing. This also explains why my manoeuvres are better than my road driving.

A few months back I saw a simulator in the BSM centre and enquired about it because I had never seen one before. It looks just like an arcade machine but is for learners who have not yet drove on the road, and it gives them a bit of knowledge about a car and the basic steps to driving. I was amazed to hear what it did and I was a little disappointed I didn't know about it before I started learning. Obviously there's not much difference now since I have been manually taught these rules, but maybe it could have helped?

(Hours 117 & 118)

It's been a long time since I last drove but there's something inside me I can't explain.. a sense of fear. At this stage of the game I know I shouldn't feel like this, but at the start I always feel tense and as time goes on and the drive is good, I'll begin to relax.... but if the drive is bad and I make mistakes, I become more nervous and I make even more mistakes... however today hasn't been so bad and I stayed pretty chilled.

I just woke up about half an hour ago and the thought of driving and obtaining my licence in Chester struck me again... a small tear rolled down my face as I knew it was fated that my licence and Chester could never be together,. but still I had that horrible lingering feeling and I enquired the DSA about the next available test date. I was shocked to hear the come back date was the beginning of July so instantly it was a question of 'Do you want it or not?' Without thought, I immediately took it as I could always cancel at a later date if necessary, but once it's gone, it's gone.. I can't express how much I want to take this licence away with me at Chester because it will always recall my time here, and will be a memory for me to treasure.. so I hope not to make a mess of this one if it goes forward.. it's the very very last chance and I'm very lucky to get it..

It's only so much my self-esteem can take before I corrupt, but in the end it boils down to how much I want the licence. I can't handle missing a bus and waiting for the next one that doesn't arrive, especially when I've got coursework to hand in and 90 pictures to frame for an exhibition that's only a few hours away!! I'm no longer a student so having my hands empty is leaving me to think of only one thing--driving! I can't help thinking about it when I see cars everywhere so I thought I'd give it one last shot in Chester before I leave, even though I'm so reluctant to take another test. I went to BSM to see the waiting time for the next available date, but unfortunately (or even luckily) is not until the end of July... By then I would have left so getting my licence in Chester was obviously never meant to be.... but at least now having this knowledge won't leave me hanging...